5 Sep 2000 squiggy   » (Journeyer)

Well, this is a wholly innappropriate place for me to post this, but I'm doing it anyway. Sorry if it bugs you. This isn't really about open source stuff, or about programming, or even really about computing, except in a tangential sort of way. It's about me, or maybe it's about people in general, but it's hard for me to tell, since my perspective is pretty limited. So we'll call it 'me'.

It's also long, rambling, and borderline incoherent....

I'm depressed. I worked hard to get where I am in my career. I put up with a lot of shit, and I sweat and bled, and sacrificed a lot (JuJitsu, music, most of a relationship, anything to do with my personal happiness, basically anything that wasn't 'pute stuff) to get here. Now I'm more or less here... the job I wanted. And all I can seem to do is look around myself and say "Man... that was dumb."

I raise my arms above my head and scream. I shake my tiny fist at god. I rage at the horrible injustice of working hard just to find out that all my goals really just kinda sucked. Like driving 18 hours straight through to go to the grand canyon, just to discover that it's only a big hole in the ground. *sigh*

I didn't realize that the point was to enjoy the trip out there, and to enjoy it for what it is in wide eyed innocence when you get there. And most of the things in my life have been like that. I do things so that I can say that I've done them. It's really high time I learned to actually enjoy doing things for the pleasure the act of doing them brings me I think.

So now I'm here, and I realize that what I wanted wasn't necessarily this job, but the knowledge that I could do it, and that it wasn't outside my grasp. And I wanted people to see me doing this big important job. And once I started to succeed a little bit at it, the job became less important and other things started to matter again. Being happy with myself, having strong friendships, having diverse interests. are all much bigger desires for me now.

But I ignored all that scenery along the way... all of those things that I did before are _gone_. My band all left town. All my JuJitsu partners are long gone. The relationship was a disaster anyway. I'm too fat to race bikes anymore. I'm completely out of shape. I've never been good at meeting people, and all my friends (old and new alike) either have left or are leaving. All the scenery is disapearing in the rear view mirror. *sigh* And here I sit, staring at a hot dusty hole in the rock, like a cynical old bastard.

I realize that two things that've kept me in my current job(s) for the last couple of years are : 1) a fierce love for and loyalty to some very special people that I've had the pleasure of working for / with, and 2) fear of making a big change... something anyone who knows me can tell you has been a big problem of mine for a long time.

Now most of those coworkers are gone or leaving as well, which leaves me wondering why the hell I'm still doing what I'm doing. And the answer is, fear and apathy; Fear of changing my life, and apathy towards actually doing anything to make myself happier.

So I've been thinking about this a bit, and I've come to some startling (to me) realizations about myself. For instance, I told Chris recently that I am deathly affraid of being alone. But it's not true... sorry Chris, I guess I lied. Or at least that's just an overly simple way of looking at it. I'm really more afraid of being left alone, and left behind to be forgotten. I used to joke about not wanting to be the last one left to turn out the lights when all my friends left for California, but I don't think I was joking. Now that I recognize this problem, I guess I need to figure out what how to address it.

I thought I'd moved to this apartment out in the sticks because I wanted to experiment with living way out by myself for a while. But I think it's more than that. I think I'm using it as a staging area, gathering myself together to make my big jump, wherever that may be to. I think I came out here to try to make some sense of things and to impose some order on my life (sort out the important crap from the not so important crap), before I do whatever it is that comes next.

That sounds pretty drastic I guess. I'm not talking about killing myself or giving away all my stuff and becoming a monk, or anything. At least... I don't think that's what I'm talking about. I think I'm talking about a change of venue, like moving to another state. Or maybe a new career, doing almost anything else... maybe opening a restaurant.... like a cafe in New Mexico, catering to UFO freaks or something. Hell, I may just buy a house in town, and tackle my current job with renewed vigor. I don't know. But I think I'm out here to find out.

I think the important thing is, I think I'm out here to remember to look out the window from time to time. And looking out the window right now, I see beautiful blue skies, and leaves on the trees just barely hinting at starting to turn. I see what looks remarkably like me taking the afternoon off.

I think that over the next few months, I'm going to take some time just for me. I want to travel, and see some things. It's just sort of snapping into focus now that I have some completely silly amount of time off coming to me, and despite all my desperate claims to the contrary, I'm not _really_ cash desperate.

I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about making a coast to coast motorcycle trip, and it sounded a little bit like heaven. I guess I'll have to figure out what the "me" equivilant will be, and do it.

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