Well, this is a wholly innappropriate place for me to post
this, but I'm doing it anyway. Sorry if it bugs you. This
isn't really about open source stuff, or about programming,
or even really about computing, except in a tangential sort
of way. It's about me, or maybe it's about people in
general, but it's hard for me to tell, since my perspective
is pretty limited. So we'll call it 'me'.
It's also long, rambling, and borderline incoherent....
I'm depressed. I worked hard to get where I am in my career.
I put up with a lot of shit, and I sweat and bled, and
sacrificed a lot (JuJitsu, music, most of a relationship,
anything to do with my personal happiness, basically
anything that wasn't 'pute stuff) to get here. Now I'm more
or less here... the job I wanted. And all I can seem to do
is look around myself and say "Man... that was dumb."
I raise my arms above my head and scream. I shake my tiny
fist at god. I rage at the horrible injustice of working
hard just to find out that all my goals really just kinda
driving 18 hours straight through to go to the grand canyon,
just to discover that it's only a big hole in the ground.
I didn't realize that the point was to enjoy the trip out
there, and to enjoy it for what it is in wide eyed innocence
when you get there. And most of the things in my life have
that. I do things so that I can say that I've done them.
It's really high time I learned to actually enjoy doing
things for the pleasure the act of doing them brings me I
So now I'm here, and I realize that what I wanted wasn't
necessarily this job, but the knowledge that I could do it,
and that it wasn't outside my grasp. And I wanted people to
see me doing this big important job. And once I started to
succeed a little bit at it, the job became less important
and other things started to matter again. Being happy with
having strong friendships, having diverse interests. are all
much bigger desires for me now.
But I ignored all that scenery along the way... all of those
things that I did before are _gone_. My band all left
town. All my JuJitsu partners are long gone. The
relationship was a disaster anyway. I'm too fat to race
bikes anymore. I'm completely out of shape. I've never been
good at meeting people, and all my friends (old and new
alike) either have left or are leaving.
scenery is disapearing in the rear view mirror. *sigh* And
here I sit,
staring at a hot dusty hole in the rock, like a cynical old
I realize that two things that've kept me in my current
job(s) for the last couple of years are : 1) a fierce love
for and loyalty to some very special people that I've had
the pleasure of working for / with, and 2) fear of making a
big change... something anyone who knows me can tell you has
been a big problem of mine for a long time.
Now most of those coworkers are gone or leaving as well,
which leaves me wondering why the hell I'm still doing what
I'm doing. And the answer is, fear and apathy; Fear of
changing my life, and apathy towards actually doing anything
to make myself happier.
So I've been thinking about this a bit, and I've come to
some startling (to me) realizations about myself. For
instance, I told Chris
I am deathly affraid of being alone. But it's not true...
sorry Chris, I guess I lied. Or at least that's just an
simple way of looking at it. I'm really more afraid of being
alone, and left behind to be forgotten. I used to joke about
not wanting to be the last one
left to turn out the lights when all my friends left for
California, but I don't think I was joking. Now that I
recognize this problem, I guess I need to figure out what
how to address it.
I thought I'd moved to this apartment out in the sticks
because I wanted to experiment with living way out by myself
for a while. But I think it's more than that. I think I'm
using it as a staging area, gathering myself together to
make my big jump, wherever that may be to. I think I came
out here to try to make some sense of things and to impose
some order on my life (sort out the important crap from the
not so important crap), before I do whatever it is that
That sounds pretty drastic I guess. I'm not talking about
killing myself or giving away all my stuff and becoming a
monk, or anything. At least... I don't think that's what I'm
talking about. I think I'm talking about a change of venue,
like moving to another state. Or maybe a new career, doing
almost anything else... maybe opening a restaurant.... like
in New Mexico, catering to UFO freaks or something. Hell, I
may just buy
a house in town, and tackle my current job with renewed
vigor. I don't know. But I think I'm out here to find out.
I think the important thing is, I think I'm out here to
remember to look out the window from time to time. And
looking out the window right now, I see beautiful blue
skies, and leaves on the trees just barely hinting at
starting to turn. I see what looks remarkably like me
taking the afternoon off.
I think that over the next few months, I'm going to take
some time just for me. I want to travel, and see some
things. It's just sort of snapping into focus now that I
completely silly amount of time off coming to me, and
despite all my desperate claims to the contrary, I'm not
_really_ cash desperate.
I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about
making a coast to coast motorcycle trip, and it sounded a
little bit like heaven. I guess I'll have to figure out
what the "me" equivilant will be, and do it.