squiggy is currently certified at Journeyer level.

Name: Stan Gerbig
Member since: 2000-05-10 15:49:25
Last Login: N/A

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Notes:

My contributions to the open source world have been pretty sporadic, and thus far pretty minimal. I write a lot of code for myself, for fun, that rarely sees the light of day outside of my workstation. I'm working to produce some more widely useful things, that should be showing up soon. I've got a lot of ideas, and I've been developing those ideas with some right helpful guys (Chris, Jeremy, & Josh among others).

I work at Indiana University, for the Messaging Team. I'm a programmer and system administrator, working with news, mass mail (majordomo and listserv, as well as some homegrown stuff that may or may not see light of day as a released product someday), and DHCP. I designed and built our service monitoring system (using Mon and some homegrown tools) I also seem to be invloved in DNS, and DCE / DFS, and some Oracle shti somewhat, although I'm mostly stumbling around blind when I have to do anything with them. *sigh*

Because our group is so close, and we have good communication between us, I end up working on a variety of other projects as well. Things like our mail system redesign (moving to IMAP servers), and our WebMail pilot program. It's nice to be able to contribute to a variety of projects, and to know that there are other people close by who can help out when I have problems.

Most of the programming I've done in the last year or two has been related to email in one way or another. Which is fine. Mail is cool... simple enough to get your brain around, but complex enough to keep me interested.

I enjoy my work, and I really enjoy the people I work with.


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I am not a good advogator. I don't post to my diary with any sort of regularity (it's been something well over a month since my last one) and when I do post, it's usually got nothing to do with code. But that's ok, because code has been a secondary crutch in my life for a while now. I just didn't realize it.

This post is also not about code, or computers, or technology, or anything. It's about me. Sorry.

I'm posting now, because I have something to say, and no one to say it to. It's not that I don't have friends, (I have some of the best friends anybody could ask for), it's just that I feel like I need to say this in a more 'generic recipient' way.

I am drunk.

I just walked nearly two miles, through falling snow, wind, and some pretty significant cold. One might ask why I did this. One might ask why I took the "two in the morning, sub twenty degree, walk down to the highway" on this of all nights. And one would be right for doing so.

It wasn't just a walk... it was the bourbon dance.

For you see, I realized tonight... I am either a complete and utter moron, who doesn't even deserve the pathetic life he's just barely managed to live thus far, or I am (as my sig stolen from seanbabay.com will testify to) history's greatest genius.

I needed the walk down to the highway to try to figure things out. And I'm not sure that I have,, but at least now I'm tired, and might actually manage to sleep at some point (it's Thu Dec 21 02:50:11 EST 2000 at the moment... shit, I can't even process time right now)

For those of you too dense to realize it on your own... I am completely and utterly retarded over *gasp* a girl. For the purpose of torturing myself and indulging my masochistic nature, tonight I've been reffering to her internally as "The Girl", with the 'T' and the 'G' in capital letters.

I've known her since high school (some 10 years for me now). I had a pretty serious crush on her then. We kept running into each other periodically for the last several years, and we'd chat and stuff. I ran into her last spring, and actuallly had a great conversation with her right there in the grocery store.... the pasta isle.

We traded email addresses. I pulled some strings, and got her phone number. We chatted. We got together for dinner and whatnot, and became good pals. We talked about dating, and decided it wouldn't work out, because we were too different, and she was seeing someone, and blah blah blah blah blah.

Fuck all that. I wanted this girl, and I didn't care who knew it. But I played along with this friends thing, because I knew that I needed her in my life in some capacity, even if it meant just being her friend. Even if it meant torturing myself through a mere fraction of the relationship I wanted.

But something happened. Thanksgiving evening, she came over to watch a movie with me. The entire evening, the air was thick with something... something that was way more than friendship. We both felt it.... I was so shocked by it that I couldn't call her for two or three days afterwards. She was so shocked, she declared that we couldn't be together anymore without some sort of adult supervision.

Things happened pretty quickly after that. we went from being casual friends that had some mutual romantic feelings for each other to being two people with a silly inability to be apart from each other for more than a couple of hours, in a mere matter of days,.

Now here we are... a couple weeks of fabulous romance later. She's trying to get her mind right... trying to get happy with herself, and get in a good space. She's telling me she needs some space, and I...

I actually said I understand. And that I want her to be happy with herself. And I want to be happy with myself. And I want us to be happy together if we're meant to be. I want her to get things right, and then the two of us can go explore what lives between us.

Now I'm second guessing myself. Am I an idiot? Is this meant to be, and I'm doing the right thing? Is this not meant to be and it doesn't matter what I think? Did I just gamble a couple days worth of great sex against a potential future of 'the real thing'? Am I just deluding myself into believing that something could actually happen between me, and this fabulous woman?

I've actually been completely re-writing the 'plan' of the rest of my life around this woman. I've been looking at the kid issue. I've been thinking about moving to Indy. I'm shopping for a bed for christ-sakes. I let this woman touch my feet. When I go to sleep at night, I pretend she's there with me (unless of course she's actually with me) and when I wake in the morning, my first thought is about her.

Shit. jjw just called. One of my servers is hosed, and paging him. So I did the smart thing, and killed the paging script. The actual problem can probably wait until I'm sober.

In order to escape the hidious noise of my brain racing at a million miles an hour, I had to leave the house. My brother came over for a while, we watched 'the Whole Nine Yards', and that helped. But when he left, I was left alone with... well, with my brain.

Lot's of people claim to be their own worst enemy. I have World War Three raging inside me most of the time.

So I realized I had to leave. I grabbed my hip flask, which was already pre stocked with about half a pint of my favorite 100 proof bourbon. I walked a nice straight line, the whole half mile down to the highway.

The wether being what it is, and due to the lateness of the hour, the highway was pretty deserted. So I stood in the middle of it, and drank, defying some stupid car to come squish me. I find I get a bit cavalier with my personal safety when I'm under emotional stress.

The walk home was much less of a straight line. I wobbled all over the place, and it's only the lack of traffic that kept me from getting squished. My tracks through the snow resemble a snake wrapped around a barbers pole. But the upside is... I met a really nice horse on my way home, and he talked some sense to me I think.

I sit here now, remembering what I said to her... I want to be happy, I want her to be happy, and optimally, I want us to be happy together. If that means she needs to go get her mind right for a bit, then so be it... I'll cope. I just didn't realize it'd be this hard. But I guess I'll deal, and she'll call me in a couple of days.

I'm confident that things will work out for the best. Or else, I expect I'm probably not long for the midwest.

What an amazingly quiet weekend. I did't technically leave the house at all yesterday. I mean, I walked outside as far as the car, to grab some CDs, but that was it. I talked to three people (an RLG, eknuth, and cdent who decided to have dinner with me, but then never called. *sigh*) on the phone, and I sort of stared at my email a couple times.

Not a bad day for being on call. In fact, it wasn't really a bad week for being on call, except I really had a strong urge to get blasted (which is considered "poor form" for the on call guy).

Saturday was much the same, except for a trip out to mom & dad's to visit with Grandma. I was kinda mean at one point, interupting to remind her that the "I used to change your diapers" incident she was going on about was something that happened nearly 30 years ago.

I would love to have new happy times with Grandma. But everytime I have any communication with her at all, she hammers me with hours of "Do you remember when...." stories. Uniformly, these stories come from what I consider "the bad old days" and are memories I'd much prefer to leave far far behind. I know it's difficult for anyone that knows me to believe that I'm a happy easy goin' guy relative to what I was then, but it's true.

Friday was fun. Went out to din din and a movie with Ed, Chris, and Kira. Trojan Horse for dinner where once again *gasp* they completly and utterly failed to have the world's best desert on hand. Then we saw "Almost Famous" which I though kicked ass. Ed and I wanna see it again. Then Ed and I went to see Crooked County at the Cellar Lounge.

Didn't work on computer stuff hardly at all. Just a little light housekeeping (deleted about a gig of crap), and looking at the new CD burner, trying to work up the energy to get it working.

I'm told I'm an angry young man. I'm told I look like a serial killer. I'm told I have fabulous hair that most women spend a lot of time and effort to try to fake. It's been a good day. And I've managed to hang on to my anger.. which is nice.

Did some sysadminly duties this morning... creating & tweaking accounts for some support staff. The problem with being reasonably security conscious is dealing with all the security mechanism when the time comes to actually do stuff. *sigh* I reckon a shell script is in order.

21 Sep 2000 (updated 21 Sep 2000 at 19:12 UTC) »

Hmmmm, jlf told me to upgrade myself to "contributer" for DHCPreg, since he used a couple snippits of code I sent him. Right on.

Things have been mighty weird in my life recently. jjw was actually commenting on it. He said something to the effect of "Weird stuff happens to everyone. But weirder stuff seems to happen to you more often." I know. I hate it.

I think I brought it on myself when I was younger. I read a line from a Douglas Adams book... something like this "Something really deeply strange is going on here, and if something strange is happening, I want it to be happening to me". I kinda took it to heart, and now life is giving it to me in spades. I just wish it were more pleasant.

Bought a CD burner the other night. Getting it working is proving to be fun. That's fun in the "man I wish it would just freakin' _work_!!" sense.

Put in a few perl hours yesterday. Might have some more goodies for jlf soon.

Update, post lunch, (where I was accosted by political savages, ran into my ex girlfriend, and I once again got the world's worst service at Arby's) :
Dear Republican and Democrat (and I guess everyone else) bastards... go fuck yourselves. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Don't fucking talk politics to me, EVER! I hate it. You're all so full of yourselves, and so damn sure yer right about everything, and so sure that what anyone else thinks is wrong... well you've had a couple hundred years to work on these problems, and it seems obvious to me that you aren't making any headway and in many ways, we're all a lot worse off today.... SO SHUT UP ALREADY!! And I'm not talking about the politicians themselves here (they're pretty easy to ignore as a whole, and they pretty much all say and do the same things anyway), but rather their rabid asshole groupies out on the street.

Everyone claims to want to save the damn world... but none of you will shut up long enough to realize maybe we shouldn't save it!! You're too busy beating the hell out of my personal freedoms by telling me what I ought to think to actually realize that YOU are the only thing I need to be saved from.

Some people think I'm joking when I say I'm looking forward to us all gettting squished by a giant space rock... I'M NOT JOKING! I can't wait!! C'mon space rock!!!!

13 Sep 2000 (updated 13 Sep 2000 at 22:16 UTC) »

Late afternoon update : I completely and utterly failed to ride my bike in to work today. And it was such a nice day. But Josh called 'bout lunch just as I was fixin' to launch, so I drove instead. *sigh* So I took a long lunch with jjw and jlf, got back a mere ten minutes late for my 2 oclock change management meeting, and spent the majority of the rest of the afternoon finding excuses to go outside. Had a nice chat with Alix about some crap. Had a nice chat with Josh about some stupid nameserver shti that some people wanna do, and how we're gonna tell them no.

But on the upside, I did come up with some interesting solutions for this mess, each of which completely removes responsibility from my group's shoulders. They wanna have a single hostname resolve to different addresses (on different campuses) depending on where the client machine is. In other words, hostname.domain.iu.edu resolves to hostname.domain.indiana.edu if you're in bloomington, and resolves to hostname.domain.iupui.edu if you're in Indianapolis.

So my brilliant solutions are as follows : 1) Don't do that... it's a dumb idea, just teach your users to use the right domain. We coddle the users too much anyway, and we're making them sickly and weak. 2) Build a seperate nameserver to host domain.iu.edu, make it the authoritative source for this domain, give it to 'em and let these guys do whatever they want to with it. 3) Train super intelligent space monkeys to be our new routers. 4) Do some fancy magic with HSRP, VLANs, a brace of High Availability machines with some built in cleverness, and a big prayer. *sigh* /UPDATE

RE: Search engines. Don't those guys _ever_ nuke dead links? I mean seriously... I just spent about half an hour looking for some info, and basically could NOT find a link that still worked. It took 15 - 20 tries refining my search before I finally started weeding it down to pages that said "This page has moved _here_", which still kind of sucks, but at least I could still find it. *sigh*

Whatever happened to sound web design principles?? *giggle*

I did a linux phone consult last night, helpin' my old buddy Otis do a RedHat 6.2 install (Mikey, if yer readin' this.... that's right, I said _Otis_). It went well enough I suppose... we didn't get him running, but we narrowed down the scope of his problems. For some reason, linux isn't recognizing all his memory. In addition, we've begun to suspect his install media is bad. *Sigh*

It's becoming important that I get out into the woods this weekend. I think Jen and Otis are gonna come to town for a bit of a visit as well. Perhaps Camping friday night, and then dinner with those guys maybe sunday afternoon? Eat drink and be merry, for monday I go back on call for a week.

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