After about 2 hours and some laughs from some committers, I found that bsd.port.mk already has a line that tests for root UID with:
@if [ `id -u` = 0 ]; then (blah)
Thanks for the help xanne, CyNick and Green :)
Now I'm *VERY* close to actually putting all this stuff in bsd.port.mk...which means only the testing and bug ridding proccess remain (which is one of the crappiest).