23 Nov 2003 bgeiger   » (Journeyer)

Nothing on the open-source front. I'm still pondering ideas for dink, but I've been too busy and/or lazy to work on it.

In the next week, I have to implement a simple client/server using XML-RPC. I'm looking to advodiary for inspiration and hints. (This is for my Operating Systems class.) I also have to finish a programming assignment for the same class, utilizing shared memory and semaphores in C.

And we've finally started covering Lisp in Programming Languages class. Too bad we're only covering it for one week. (After covering Pascal for the first half of the semester...)

Unlike cmiller, my go hasn't improved much. Since I can't attend club meetings on Mondays, and none of the sensei show up on Thursdays, I don't have the benefit of skilled instruction.

But that'll all change, I hope. I'm going to try to schedule classes around the Monday meetings, so I'll be able to attend. And maybe I should start playing online again.

Still working on the video by fits and starts. Sometimes I'll open Final Cut, slap in a clip or two, say "this sucks", delete the clips, and quit.

But it'll rock by the time it's done, I promise. Or at least it'll be complete. Maybe.

I even signed up at animemusicvideos.org. My user profile isn't much yet, but eventually...

... or the lack thereof.

I used to think I could do anything. No... I could do anything.

But no longer.

Nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing short of perfection is acceptable. I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea that a C is "average". If I get less than a high A, I begin to panic. I seriously considered driving into a tree after making a 49 on a discrete math test. Really... just yank the wheel and it would all be over. It was that serious.

Granted, I know my weak areas. But it's when I start to fail in my strongest areas that I worry. For instance, I bombed two tests, two days apart; the first was that discrete math test and the other was an operating systems test. I'm strong in both, or so I thought.

Part of my problems in English classes (I've failed English more times than I can count) is that I'm always embarassed to turn in my assignments. Since they were never as good as they could be, I couldn't turn them in. Not only were they not up to the class's standards (in my mind), they weren't up to my standards, and that was even more devastating.

I know, consciously, that everyone's work is crap, and that mine is no crappier than anyone else's. But something inside of me can't shake that feeling of failure, even during success. Even when I succeed, I don't deserve it, since I didn't do the best work I possibly could. Never mind the fact that it always feels like a fluke, like one small check mark in a list of big red Xs. I can't be confident about it.

This really hits hard because according to most sources, "what women want" is not competence, but confidence. All the competence in the world is useless without the swagger to serve as bait.

Most guys can get away with just swagger. Despite their incompetence at everything, they can get whatever they want by pretending to be competent.

But I can't pretend. I don't know my true level of competence, and I'm too honest to exaggerate my own abilities.

There's nothing I want more than to be confident in my competence. It's not something that can be achieved by outside recognition. I have to know, by my own methods, whether I'm capable of surviving in this world. Maybe then confidence will follow.


o/~ know what i really want in a girl? me. o/~ -- bloodhound gang, "3.14"

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