10 Feb 2017 aicra   » (Journeyer)

So, I'll be at SCALE in March. Just hanging out on the Legal Track. Hope to meet up with some old friends/coworkers/associates and possibly meet some new ones. This comes at a very good time. I've been alone for some time. I'm not just a single half white/half Japanese woman (lady), but I don't date. Usually, I'm just a "novelty". Easily tossed after boredom sets in. Perhaps food for thought for someone with an Asian fetish. No, I don't like fanboys. Don't get me wrong. I'll hang out. I'll party until you try to grope me... then, I'm out! It happened more than once. No, I don't go out really unless I'm dragged out or am forced to break the barrier of that door to go somewhere. The LIGHT... it BURNS!

I'm not saying that I'm more productive staying home but... I've been automating everything, include the coffee machine. LOL. I'm thinking of automating the nutribullet. Hmmm Robotic arm and servos might work.

However, while there is some amount of heat coming from the computers, they don't keep me "warm" at night. Knowing I rock, that is some comfort.

So, I took this gig at Intel. I had another client waiting on me. I was like... Let's see how this goes - I'll just go the first day. When I met the sponsor I was like, "oh, he's cute". He seemed very nice too. So, I went back the second day. I know this is wrong... at least my moral code tells me this is wrong. I kept going in and doing the work. All I wanted to do was help him and please him. I didn't need the chump change they paid me. In fact, that part was kind of irritating.

Then I realized I'm part of a new economy. The economy of rewarding myself with his company, he being some kind of eye candy payment rather than dollars. Well, it's true. Once I saw those muscles, there was a lust factor. It did NOT start out like that. I guess 3 years alone will do that to you. LOL. In fact, I could have at one point lost my client because all I wanted to do was to share my time with this guy. All I looked forward to was our time together.

It got to a point where I was so tired with all the projects, working like 75 hours a week and coming home to a messy house, Postmating and using Amazon Prime for like everything from TP to food because I couldn't move. Good thing I could see well enough to know the difference. White gold (TP) has a different consistency from edible items like Ravioli out of a can. Yeah... I was eating so healthy, my sugars were 360 waking. Yeah. I was on the fast track to the cemetery! I finally was like, I'm going to tell him I like him and stop this nonsense. The work was basically done. I tried so many times. I even called his work phone and got vm - chickened out.

But I didn't. I never told him.
I just LEFT.

Well, at least I don't have to work so many hours. My sugars and weight are down. There's such an issue here with balance, you know. I don't want to be alone all the time but I don't want someone who... wastes my time. That sounds bad huh! hahahaha.

But, it's true.

Also, there are so few people in this world I enjoy. It's tough moving on. UGH. So few people I admire and respect. He was an engineer and had my full admiration and respect.

I had it bad, man.

"When the manager came over to the cubicle with him, I wanted to reach out.... I was so happy to see every curve of his face. He was a sight for sore eyes. His hair, full, thick - black like oil - glistened under the florescent lighting of this new cubicle. His gorgeous eyes pierced into my soul! A warmth fell over me as he stood there. Okay, maybe it was the florescent lighting, but still!

Every curve, every inch of his face was glorious. I never thought I would see him again. He was the only reason I agreed to return. I wanted to see him. My soul was overjoyed to simply be in his presence. He stood there, seemingly uncertain of how I would react. I imagine he was worried. There was nothing he could do to make me upset or mad at him. I felt whole again, and I could not help but smile.

He helped me connect my monitor. When his hand touched mine, I thought I was going to pass out. He touched me, you know... like Physically! For most people, that would be nothing. For me, this was some physical confirmation that I was alive! He touched me. I might never see him again, but we touched. Yes, I had it bad!

He came for me to get a mouse. We went to the tech vending machine. The machine was out. I looked at him standing next to the machine.

He was so handsome. Then, I saw it.
There, creeping out of his right shirt sleeve, I saw his bicep. Yes, I almost died. I mean I could have seriously needed CPR at that point. Be still my heart. Where do they keep the defibrillator?!!! He was so attractive at that very moment! Yea... I'll never forget that. At that point my heart sent a message to my body: Absolutely in Agreement! Next Steps Please!"

No next steps. The next steps for me are sitting alone at this desk with 4 computers to keep me busy. I think of my other options - not too glamorous. Oh, for other women maybe they would be - but none include the possibility of love. They include comfortable existence.. in each case. I don't want that comfortable existence! Just money and fwb. I'm not going to be a mistress for a man with power. I'm not going to be the companion of someone just because there is money. I can find my own money. I don't crave power. Just not going there.

I never told him. I just LEFT. I didn't even say goodbye. I couldn't leave the cubicle area. The manager was closing me out. I did this. I requested this. It was because I found out he pushed forward my closing out and I was going to be blacklisted the way he did it. How could he? I don't know if it was intentional or not. Maybe I just didn't matter. I didn't. I was just a consultant. No one important. At Intel, you learn that in their culture right away. Green badges are second class citizens. Terrible culture.

Damn my passive aggressive Asian upbringing - hahaha.

What's next? Who knows? Feeding pigeons in the park... taking lyfts to the store just to have a human to speak with. I don't know. Isolation is a part of the game. There must be a balance to all of this, somewhere. I am working on some ground breaking shit, man.

DITA topics/tasks - pure reuse to output as learning content with quizzes, interactions and is SCORM compliant.

Totally solves the - holy shit we need to update our learning shit.

It only works if the organization is willing to modularize their content into little xml topics/tasks.

But it is the shiz. I can use GNU Linux, I can automate tasks I can code and get paid.

Living the dream. Alone. But living the dream!
...and out of tissue.
Bummer.

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