The Hacks of our lives

Posted 6 Feb 2002 at 10:43 UTC by Uraeus Share This

Having gotten a little tired of silly and stupid attacks on Miguel I felt it was time someone put things in perspective. Hope no one takes offence :) So here is the screenplay for a Soap opera I call:

The Hacks of our lives

It is not based on the truth rather it is based on the warped reality as percieved by some of the people posting comments to sites likes Slashdot and LinuxToday.

All other names have been changed to protect the innocent and to make sure you are not able to guess who the other people are.

In the office

Office worker: Boss, do you really think we achieve world domination with this new system we are making called Bono?

Miguel: Of course we are, don't you know we are recieving billions of dollars in secret funding for this from Bill Yates? Well I have to head home now, entertaining some potential investors at home.

Drives home.

Miguel: James, take my coat will you.

James: Master your guests have already arrived. They are waiting for you in the living room.

Miguel: Dude, that is not good. But show me in.

Goes to living room.

Bill Yates: There you are Miguel. Let me introduce the other people here. To my right is Beth Honeysweet my personal secretary. Next is Linda Sehrhornsly, my accountant from Arthur Andersen. Last but not least is Andrew Mengele, a reporter doing a story on your project for a paper called the Registry.

Miguel: Pleased to meet you all.

Andrew: So what it your project?

Miguel: Well I am hacking on Bono.

Andrew: Really? But what will happen with U2 then?

Miguel: No, not that Bono, but Bono the new revolutionary software plattform.

Miguel: If you excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen, I have to go and see that my chef is getting our meal in order. Please make yourself comfortable.

Goes into hallway, where stopped by Beth Honeysweet who comes after him.

Beth: Oh, Miguel from the moment I saw you I knew that I needed you, my body burns with desire for you.

Miguel: Well not since I added the game Same-GNUME to CVS have I felt such desire myself, give me some suger baby.

Wild sex on hallway carpet.

Beth: God, that was wonderful. So what was it you where doing again?

Miguel: I am doing Bono.

Beth: Oh? Me to, during their last tour I did him thrice. Don't think rest of U2 think it is strange that he likes you in that way? Miguel: No, not that Bono, but Bono the new revolutioary software plattform. But we should get back to the others now. They are surely wondering where we have gone to. Both goes back to the living room.

Bill Yates: Oh, I see you two found each other, thats nice. You see I forgot to tell you that you are brother and sister.

Miguel: Really? But how can that be?

Bill Yates: Well you see when I was younger I had to pay my bills someway so I ended up as a camera man doing Elvis Presley movies. Then one day when shooting in Acapulco I met your mother and nine months afterwards you two where born.

Miguel: What so you are my father then?

Bill Yates: Yes, I am son.

Everyone cries, beatiful moment.

Bill Yates: Well I don't think we have time for dinner. We have to go now. See you later.

Everyone except Andrew Mengele and Linda Sehrhornsly leaves.

Andrew Mengele: So what are your plans for Bono?

Miguel: Well in 10 years time I am thinking about making it the foundation of GNUME.

Andrew: That is incredible, how can you make such a decision based on my question?

Miguel: Well it is not based on your question, and I will have 10 years with calm and quiet life to contemplate and discuss it with my GNUME peers.

Andrew Mengele: This is a revolution. I need to run out and spread the word. I already have the headline ready. It will be 'GNUME replaced by Bono tommorow'.

Andrew leaves.

Linda Sehrhornsly: This is all so fascinating. What was that thing of yours again?

Miguel: Bono, it is Bono.

Linda Sehrhornsly: Wow, so you are the guy who wrote `Whose gonna ride my wild horses'? Where is the rest of U2.

Miguel: No, not that Bono, but Bono the new revolutioary software plattform.

Linda Sehrhornsly: Oh, all this talk makes me wild. I must have you now.

Miguel: Ok my little GEGL.

Wild sex on the living room floor.

Miguel: hmm, what is this tatoo. I have seen it before somewhere. Wait that is the tatoo of Bob Balda, editor of the infamous website Crashdot; news for birds, stuff that is not copyrighted.

Linda aka Bob: Yes, I heard you where planning to live a peacefull life for the next 10 years and I could not have that. You are the reason for half my readership. So I took a sexchange operation so I could get close to you and talk you into not being so peacefull.

Miguel: Bob, you failed in your diabolical plan. I will never say anything that can be distorted again.

Bob runs out crying.

Next day.

Another office worker: Oh boss, we have gotten an offer from another company to help out on our Bono project. Their only demand is that we let the part they will contribute too use the same license as the Xspree project.

Miguel: Ok, well since we will use our current license on the other major parts of the system and this new license should make even the most ardent free beer zealot happy I guess we can accept.

Wanda the beatiful secretary walks into the room.

Wanda: Miguel, an urgent message waits for you in your office.

Miguel: Thanks Wanda I go and check right away. You, another office worker, tell the other company ok, and send out a press release with the happy news.

Miguel and Wanda goes to office.

Miguel: Ah, here is a message from my father, he is coming in today to see Bono. He wants to use it to force other people use his .bet system. Hmm.

Wanda: Oh, it is so wonderful that you are working with Bono, but what does the rest of U2 think about that?

Miguel: No, not that Bono, but Bono the new revolutioary software plattform

Wanda: Well, no matter that makes you close enough to a rock star in my eyes. I must have your buldging body.

Miguel: Ok, my little fish.

Wild sex on office floor.

Wanda: Oh, I hear your father coming, I should get out of here as he might not like that I sleep with you too.

Miguel: You sleep with my father also? This we must discuss later.

Wanda runs out, and a few seconds later Bill Yates comes in.

Bill Yates: There you are my son. Have you prepared Bono, so I can use it to force people to obey my will?

Miguel: I am sorry father, but I have my own plans for Bono.

Bill Yates: You dare to oppose me? I am your father ! I will have to kill you then.

Miguel: How can you kill me? You are my father.

Bill Yates: I am not your father. I am the man who killed your father.

Miguel: What? How can that be, who is my father then.

Bill Yates: His name was Richard Stenchman. The famous man who slept for weeks under his desk without showering so he could work on his dream project, the ABC compiler.

Miguel: The ABC compiler. So this is why I want to write a compiler, it is in my blood.

Bill Yates: No more idle talk. Now you die!

Wild chase around office. Suddenly door crashes open and bearded man runs in and punches Bill Yates down into a coma.

Miguel: Who are you?

Richard Stenchman: I am Ricard Stenchman. And I am here to save you from yourself. I heard you planned to stop hacking and instead start a band with Bono. I just wonder what the rest of U2 thinks about that.

Miguel: No, not that Bono, but Bono the new revolutioary software plattform. So you are my father then?

Richard Stenchman: Yes, I am. But I am not your real father. I am actually your brother in law.

Miguel: But how can that be none of us are married. And didn't Bill Yates kill you?

Richard Stenchman: Yes, it is mystic isn't it. Well nice talking, but I have to go, see you around sometime.

Richard Stenchman leaves.

Yet another office worker: Boss, you must come there is a crisis brewing.

Miguel: Yes, yet another office worker. You go and I follow.

Walks out into super hacker room. All computers have 10 screens flying around the chairs at high speed as that makes all hackers much more effective.

Yet another office worker: Look here at the Registry newssite. There is an article here by someone called Andrew Mengele which claim you have said that you are planning on murdering Order Pennington, to make sure that you can make Bono the plattform of GNUME in 10 minutes. They claim you do this to get back at your old adversary Mattias Kleineweiner, lead developer of the CNC desktop.(CNC == Can Not Code)

Miguel: Hmm, well this leaves me no choice I guess. I have to sell my soul to satan.

Miguel runs over to diabolical offering room.

Miguel: Oh, Satan if you give me the power to outcode my enemies I give you the souls of all the hackers in the world.

Satan: No thanks, it smells enough in hell already. Start hanging with a crowd with better hygiene and we have a deal.

Miguel: Oh no, what shall I do

Satans sexy daughter: Do not despair, I have always hated U2 so I will help you to team up with Bono and break them up.

Miguel: No, not that......hmmm......ok we have a deal.

Wild sex on diabolical room floor.

Tune in tomorow for another episode in the ongoing soap opera `The hacks of our lives'

Film at 10., posted 6 Feb 2002 at 12:06 UTC by hub » (Master)

Rated R.

Thanks for the laugh.

This is not a soap opera at all. , posted 6 Feb 2002 at 15:47 UTC by Ilan » (Master)

The thinly veiled references to .NET would make it more of a SOAP opera.

/me ducks

Soapy feel, posted 7 Feb 2002 at 00:04 UTC by nymia » (Master)

Can't wait for the next...

hehehe, posted 7 Feb 2002 at 00:08 UTC by splork » (Master)

double plus silly good entertainment

fantastic!, posted 7 Feb 2002 at 19:03 UTC by casantos » (Master)

Could you please send me a bottle of the strange liquid you have been drinking?

an editor is cheap, posted 7 Feb 2002 at 21:13 UTC by cmiller » (Master)

While the text was funny for the most part (though sorta lowbrow for a fair percentage of Advogato's users), the run-on sentences and lack of punctuation made it awfully hard to read. I liked less than half of it as well as it would have deserved.

In general, if you're posting a text of any significant length, please consider having someone else (who is fluent in the target language) read over it, so you get feedback about it.

Modern life has so many distractions that, in speech, completing a sentence and conveying meaning is rare. Composition professors advised students to "write the way you speak!" many years ago, in an attempt to "correct" students who would grow too awkward or flowery with their sentences. Now, the sentence over-achievers are rare, and the problem is that people do write as they speak -- poorly.

I guess we can be grateful that the author didn't write "lol" in the text.

Run-on sentences, and er... Richard Stenchman? *laugh*, posted 8 Feb 2002 at 03:44 UTC by tk » (Observer)

While the text was funny for the most part (though sorta lowbrow for a fair percentage of Advogato's users), the run-on sentences and lack of punctuation made it awfully hard to read. I liked less than half of it as well as it would have deserved.

Huh? The sentence lengths are OK with me...

I don't know much about the GNOME.NET issue, but I like the part where Richard Stenchman says "Yes, it is mystic isn't it" -- it really tickles me. *ROTFL*

clarifying myself, sorta, posted 8 Feb 2002 at 18:17 UTC by cmiller » (Master)

"Run on" doesn't mean length it refers to the placement of two independent clauses next to each other without a semicolon or full-stop you have a "run on" think of a comma-splice (of which there are many also) without the comma you must come there is a crisis brewing. hth.

Proper English, posted 12 Feb 2002 at 02:15 UTC by omarius » (Journeyer)

Speaking for myself--& fwiw, I have an English degree--in my mind, the dullness of the errors and omissions generated an image of the kind of dull, monotonic acting you'd see in such a production. So I thought it was funny that way!

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