In Honor of Lady Michelle Gregory, For All of Her Kindness and Charm
Jonathan Swift
swift@softwareproblem.net
I am Furious Yet I am Not Violent,
But this Shit Just Has to Stop.
Prather was Flummoxed That I
Laughed at His Taser,
"Try the Pepper Spray Next,"
"I Am Certain That I'd Find It Fun."
I'd be No Good as Commander-in-Chief,
'Cause I Could Never Send Kids to their Deaths.
But Based on My Legal Books'
Transparent Simplicity,
I'd Make one Hell of A
Hell-Raising Senator,
Or Perhaps a Good Activist Judge.
(Some of the links in this essay are broken, as they point to websites that went down when I was in the hospital. The links are correct, I just need to rehost the old content on my new server. I'll do just that late tonight.)
I simply must have the onerously restrictive conditions of my bail modified or I'm going to be out on the street soon, as the Custody Division Deputies damn near destroyed the Apple MacBook Pro notebook computer that is the only means I have of providing for myself.
The CrawDoc Archives: Jonathan Swift Makes a Bonfire of His Reputation
Last But Most-Definitely Not Least:
Just Because You're Paranoid, It Doesn't Mean They're Not Out To Get You!
The young woman upon whose behalf I pulled this stunt would have been left stranded in Vancouver, unable to get home to her rural Clark County home in Longview had I not blocked the bus with my own body at the 99th Street Transit Center where that driver just drove right by both of us, without so much as opening the bus doors or looking my was to see that I was hurriedly packing my computer into its case so I could board the bus.
Getting to My Hearings
Omnibus Hearing
State of Washington v. Michael David Crawford
Thurday, February 23, 9:00 AM
Clark County Superior Courts
Department One, Judge Daniel Stahnke
1200 Franklin St
Vancouver WA 98660 USA
There's not much parking anywhere near the Courthouse, so I recommend public transit. There's lots of parking the Salmon Creek Park-and-Ride where I-5 and I-205 merge just North of Vancouver; take the 134 Ave, then go a short distance West, turning right into the
Park-n-Ride at the corner by the oil change shop.
There's also lots of parking at the 99th Street Transit, Vancouver Mall and Fisher's Landing Transit Centers.
In Portland, there's lots of parking at the Expo Center or Delta Park / Vanport MAX Light Rail Stations.
From Vancouver, take the C-Tran #4, #44, #37 or #105 to Evergreen and Main in Downtown Vancouver, a block west from the Main Library.
From Downtown Portland, take the TriMet MAX Yellow Line to the Delta Park/Vanport Station, or from the Expo Center, just one block towards Downtown Portland. Then the #4 Van Mall bus to Evergreen and Main in Vancouver.
From Evergreen and Main, walk a few blocks west - away from the Library - on Evergreen until you get to Franklin, turn right then a block and a half North. Enter the Courthouse through the front door
behind the Law Enforcement Officer memorial.
If you simply must drive, I expect you can find parking West of the Courthouse, not towards downtown to the East.
Please allow plenty of time to arrive, find parking or walk from the bus stop, get through security, then find my hearing's Courtroom.
When you arrive, check the daily Court roster in the Court Lobby for the actual hearing room. It might not take place in Department One.
Leave the Second Amendment at Home friends, as you'll have to pass through a metal detector to obtain entrance to the Court.
The Unlawful Harrassment of and Retribution Under Color of Authority Against One Who Works to Solve Society's Problems
My colleagues at Kuro5hin have been going the extra mile to help me work out my Pro Se - that is, I represent myself with the aid of a "Legal Advisor" and not an Defense Counsel - my Pro Se defense theory that the reason I am charged with making death threats, is that I am being subjected to harassment by the law enforcement community as a result of my diligient efforts to Solve what I call The Software Problem:
Software failure is fundamentally a human problem, not a technical one.
Purely technical solutions fail to effect truly meaningful and lasting change.
I began to work towards the Solution of what I now call The Software Problem at at the age of three when I puzzled over the strange phenoment that despite that it was readily apparent that toddlers such as myself were as creative, insightful, intelligent and expressive as any grown-ups, every last one of us was completely unable to get any grown-ups at all to ever take us seriously.
My first substantive solution came at the age of four. I'm forty-eight now, so that was in 1968, but I remember this conversation with my little friend Jeffrey Coates as if it took place this very day:
When I grow up someday, whenever any little kid every speaks to me, I'm going to listen very carefully, and I'm going to pay attention to what they are trying to tell me.
What I described to my little friend when I was but four in 1968 is part of the "Active Listening" that is taught to every Suicide Hotline Counselor such as myself - I served on the Suicide Prevention Service of Santa Cruz County back in the day - Crisis Counselors, Psychotherapists, Social Workers, Law Enforcement Officers in the State of California, but I flummoxed to find not law enforcement officers in Clark County, Washington nor Portland, Oregon.
Reflect for but a moment before you read on.
When a little child is being beaten...
When a list child is being molested...
When a little child has been kidnapped by a disgruntled ex-spouse, yet is allowed to roam freely about the neighborhood to which they have been unlawfully relocated...
When their father is an alcoholic, or mother on crack...
When a little child is frightened, not of monsters under the bed, but for their very lives...
When a child is Cold, Hungry, Addicted or Insane...
It is quite unlikely that they possess the insight to even know they need help, let alone the eloquence required to ask an adult for it.
Feminist Gloria Steinem asserts that if we would stop beating our children, there would be no wars anymore.
Advogato Master MichaelCrawford asserts this if we would but listen to our children, no one would ever get away with beating them anymore.
That is why United States Law requires certain people know as "Mandated Responders" to report to Child Protective Services or to the legal authorities when they have reason to believe that a child, or mentally incompetent elderly person is so much at risk of being molested, beaten or subject to psychological abuse.
I'm no mandated reporter, but being mentally ill and so traveling in the right circles, a whole bunch of my very closest friends, loved ones and relatives are out of their fucking trees with the very worst kinds of batshit insanity.
For the most part these days I roam around downtown Portland, Oregon in the late afternoon until the last MAX train runs, rounding up those of the homeless people who are completely unaware, or too crazy to remember for long that such shelters as the Portland Rescue Mission on Burnside near the bridge over the Willamette River, the Salvation Army Female Emergency Shelter on Fifth just off of Burnside, leading them to shelter - by the hand if I have to - as well as buying them a hot meal at such restaurants as Dante's Caffe Italian Pizza-by-the-Slice window at the North-East Corner of Third Avenue and Burnside
I am regarded by Mental Health Professionals as what is known as a "consumer", but I regard that term as euphemistically demeaning. I don't eat mental health, I experience mental illness, comply with various treatments as "Talk Therapy", Antipsychotic and Anticonvulsive Medication, then puzzle over what that Talk Therapy does to me, what Talk Therapy does to my therapist to have given it to me, what I myself do to my therapist for having been her client - Psychotherapy is an intimate, years-long, often decades-long process, so there is no hope but for my therapists but to be somehow changed by having treated me - then write it up at my various websites:
Crawfordian Psychoanalysis is in no way different than accepted methods of treating the mentally ill. I only couch my methods in language which is accessible to nonspecialists so that one can learn to practice Talk Therapy without having to attend graduate school, undergo "Training Analysis" or obtain a license to practice Psychotherapy.
Most of my work regarding The Software Problem since March 2010 when I registered the original domain as I was drafting my Letter of Resignation not from Sony Ericsson Mobile Communications' Redwoord Shores, California Design Center, but from Manpower Professional, whose Accounts Payable people could not be bothered to ever learn to sing enough of The Alphabet Song to ever cut me a paycheck within the Net-30 terms of my previous sole proprietorship.
TESTIFY!
If you'd like to write any letters upon my behalf to Judge Stahnke - he's a real swell guy I must say, and a worthy Chess Partner - address them to:
Clark County Superior Court
Attn: Honorable Daniel Stanke, Department One
PO Box 5000
Vancouver WA 98666-5000 USA
To obtain DVD-ROMs with the official transcript videos any of my hearings, you'll need to know my Cause Numbers - there have been two so far, of which I only have one written down, the other being from last January when I was charged with Assault for preventing my own beloved Mother from committing suicide by gently carrying her to a bed then holding her there while I rang up 9-1-1 that I Deputy might give her a welfare check that never happened - the names of the Judges who presided at the hearings, and the names of the Courtrooms in which those hearings took place:
- 2012-01-16, Judge Stahnke, Arraignment Courtroom
- Charged with Class C Felony Harrassment of Vancouver Police Department Corporal Greg Zimmerman, USD $50,000.00 Bail Set
- 2012-01-24, $50,000.00 Cash Bail (NOT Bail Bond) Posted by Defendant's Mother Patricia A. Crawford
- 2012-01-25, Judge Woolard, Arraignment Courtroom
- Prosecutor Objects to Grant of Bail Due to Defendant's Bizarre Symptom of Mental Illness. Hearing Scheduled for Next Day in Department One
- 2012-01-26, Judge Stahnke, Department One
- Probation Officer Makes Up Random, Self-Serving Gibberish About Defendant, Mental Evaluation Ordered with Fourteen Days
- 2012-01-27: Judge Stahnke, Arraignment Court
- Innocent Plea Entered by Defendant
- 2012-02-09: Judge Stahnke, Department One
- Assistant Prosecuting Attorney Dan Gasperino Promises Mental Evaluation Real Soon Now,
Judge Stahnke Grants Bail, Orders Defendants Release That Same Day Not Before 5:00 PM
Save yourself money by requesting all of my videos on a single DVD, as the fee is $25.00 per DVD, not per hearing. I don't know yet whether you can have a single DVD prepared from hearings before multiple judges, as the DVDs are prepared by each individual Judge's office staff.
I don't know whether they can take Credit or Debit Cards, or whether they will take personal checks. I'll ask the Deparment One assistant Kim tomorrow when I drop by to order my own DVD(s) of the hearings I've had so far.
For videos of Judge Stahnke's hearings, address your request to:
Clark County Superior Courts
Attn: Kim, Department One
PO Box 5000
Vancouver WA 98666-5000
+1 (360) 397-2315
You can pay for your CD when you pick it up if you leave Kim a voice mail; I'll post her direct voice mail line in my next Edit revision.
For the Honorable Diane M. Woolard's hearings:
Clark County Superior Courts
Attn: Department Eight Clerk
PO Box 5000
Vancouver WA 98666-5000
+1 (360) 397-2068
I'll post a comment this afternoon with the first name of Her Honor's assistant.
To say anything to my actual Chess Partner, say to send him a book of
Openings, Midgames or Endgames, or perhaps Probability Theory texts that might enable Dan to solve Brain Teaser Number One, write to:
Prosecuting Attorney of Clark County
Attn: Dan Gasperino
PO Box 5000
Vancouver WA 98666-5000 USA
+1 (360) 397-2261
+1 (360) 397-2230 FAX
Email: dan.gasperino@clark.wa.gov
To visit Dan in person, you need to make an appointment, as he is often in Court, In Camera with a Judge and Defense Counsel, or in a meeting with his colleagues.
But better than meeting with or calling Dan is to meet, call or email Inspector Hammond in the Prosecuting Attorney's Office. That way if you supply evidence that Dan could use to incriminate me, I won't be in a position to cross-examine my own opposition counsel. I picked that tip up from F. Lee Bailey of all people, when he was going on and on about ill-fitting gloves back in the day.
My Mental Competency Evaluations
My most interesting Competency Evaluation was made by a Psychologist towards the end of my stay in Western's F-1 Forensic Unit Ward late last February or so, but it is not a matter of public record.
There are no electronic copies of that evaluation, and only four physical copies exist; I can get mine from my previous Public Defender, but to actually obtain it I may need Judge Stahnke to issue a written order that he give it to me, as for some reason that is completely beyond my comprehension, State Mental Hospital patients are not normally permitted to read their own Court-Ordered Mental Competency Evaluations
That promised Mental Competency Evaluation that I'd spent two mind-numbingly boring weeks cooling my heels in the slammer for did actually take place but two hours after His Honor told Dan Gasperino to brush up on his openings. I don't know whether the County Designated
Mental Health Professional's Mental Competency Evaluations are public record, but if they are, no doubt you can Google up the procedure for obtaining mine. There have been a whole bunch of them, as I March to the Beat of a Different Drummer.
If you can't get my DMHP evals, I expect that the evaluated patients can obtain them upon request.
I have hardcopies of several others, from when I've been involuntaried at Telecare, on Fourth Plain in the back of the same building of Community Services Northwest I'll dig them up out of my storage locker on the way home from my hearing on Thursday;
you're going to totally piss yourself laughing when I submit each individual one to Kuro5hin's Edit and Voting Queues, as well as link them from The CrawDoc Archives.
For the life of me, I don't know how or where they come up with such works of fiction.
Each of the hearings before a Clark County Court Commissioner at Telecare were tape recorded; I lost every last one of those hearings, more or less because I Copped a 'Tude before the very same lady who presided over each of them.
Shortly after my discharge last July, as a result of my finally agreed to commit a felony by signing a Washington State Department of Social and Health Services GA-X Disability Cash Assistance Application, despite not being in any way disabled, just batshit insane, I celebrated the return to me of my iPhone 4:
Michael Crawford: I just spent six months at Western State Hospital in Lakewood, Washington.
Jason Pawloski: What happened?
Michael Crawford: I mouthed off to a Judge.
But I won my hearing a couple months before that at Seattle's Swedish Hospital, despite my own Mother testifying against me and having arrived at the hospital with a Valproic Acid - used to prevent as well as to stop Bipolar Mania - blood level of Nada, Zilch and Zip, simply by pointing out that I generally take my meds at bedtime, and that I tend to go for days on end without sleeping as a result of my Free Running Non-24-Hour Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome as well as my intense laser-like focus on my work that is a result of my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
Canary in the Mine Shaft
If whatever my presently-active Kuro5hin nick is drops out of sight for longer than two days or so, check the Inmate Rosters at the Clark County Jail as well as the King County Jail in Seattle.
If I'm not in the jail, request Facebook Friendship of my older sister Jean Evans - she's one of my own Facebook friends - then ask her to call Mom to find out the name of whatever Nuthouse I might be in, as well as that Nuthouse's street and postal addresses, patient phone numbers, as well as the nurse's desk number of whatever ward I've found myself in.
At Western I'm most likely to wind up in ward F-1 in the Forensic Unit if I've been ordered by a Judge to submit to a Mental Competency Evaluation, or in Ward C-3 if I'm only admitted because I have the temerity to mouth off, not to strictly speaking to a Judge, but to a Court Commissioner during one of the Involunatry Psychiatric Hold hearings I've been attending on a regular basis ever since I wound up at Milbrae Memorial Hospital back in June 2010 after demonstrating to the receptionist and six (fortunately unarmed!) Stanford Police Officers at the Stanford Medical Center that I possess the insight to enter a state of profoundly mind-altered psychosis just by thinking about doing so, simply by adopting a certain state of mind for no other reason than to convince a licensed Mental Health Professional to pop open my MacBook Pro's lid to have a look at not my own but, uh, some other person's paranoid manifestoes spewed all over my Facebook Wall.
"I'm very sorry," said a nurse by the name of Arnel, perhaps an hour and a half after I was four-cornered on a bed there in my own private room there in Emergency.
"You and the companion of your choice get dinner at Berkeley's Chez Panisse on me, for being the very first of the Stanford Emergency Room Staff to actually pop open my MacBook Pro's laptop screen."
Arnel never did admit to having actually at my screen, but I could tell by their demeanor that, one by one, most of the Emergency staff did do so.
I flatly refused to go to sleep until some Emergency staff member
Stanford Police Officer Chuck Martinez and his companion gets Chez Panisse as well; he's the only one of Stanford's finest who Knows not only His Openings, but his Endgames as well. My only regret is that, as an Emergency Room Security Guard, he and I had no opportunity to play any manner of Midgame.
"Check," said Chuck with a mischevious grin as I arrived on an all-expense-paid Taxi ride from Milbrae down the San Francisco's scenic Interstate 280 back to Stanford in Palo Alto, where I came to fetch my Chevy Prizm from the Parking Lot.
Look Man: I know from public transit, but the nice Social Worker in the Milbrae General Hospital didn't want me to have to take Caltrain. I had the most fascinating conversation about mental illness with my driver.
"No more Chess for me!" I cheerfully shouted. "I Withdraw!"
Whether I'm in the Slammer or the Nuthouse, please give me a one-month gift subscriptions to any Washington, Oregon or Idaho newspaper. Extras won't go to waste as I'll share them with my colleagues.
My Clark County - quite likely all of Washington State - CFN is fixed at 205307 for the rest of my days now that I am, as they say, "In the System":
Michael Crawford, CFN 205307
Clark County Jail
PO Box 1147
Vancouver WA 98666-1147
"My CFN is six digits," I said to my colleague to the right, "But yours is only five. Are you sure you gave it to me right?"
"I been here since the Sixties," My Colleague to the Right cheerfully replied.
My Colleague to the Right is no criminal:
The AK-47 round he received In Service to His Country at the age of butseventeen exited just above his left ear and so he himself sees The Thought Police everywhere he goes.
He constantly is subjected not only to "Administrative Segration" as I was for now reason I can figure out, but enduring such punishment for weeks or even months on end as not being permitted to place telephone calls, obtain more than three postage-prepaid envelopes, a single golf pencil or four measly sheets of writing paper per week, or make modest purchases of candy, snacks, soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes, thermal underwear, deck shoes, socks or clean boxer from the Jail Commissary as a result of hurling his lunch trays at the Jail Deputies, who otherwise consider him the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread.
Western State Hospital has a lifetime, quite unrestricted residential program for people who simply are unable to live on their own. He would be free to roam around Lakewood, say to hang out at Starbucks, the nearby Public Library, or order a scrumptious dine-in pizza from a joint right next to The Nuthouse, at an expense to the Washington State Taxpayer of perhaps one-tenth of what it is paying today to keep him in that cold, cruel, lonely Jail.
The main rag in Vancouver is The Columbian, in Portland it's the Oregonian as well as the Portland Tribue. The best State Government news is to be found in the Tacoma or Olympia papers. The biggest newspaper is that of Seattle. My favorite newspaper of The Spokesman-Review of Spokane as I was born there in 1964; Mom and her identical twin sister, my Aunt Peggy. I myself delivered Moscow's Daily Idahonian but it's tragically no longer with us, but Moscow, Idaho and Pullman, Washington are both served by the Pullman paper.
Absoluetly any kind of book is most welcome, even better being those that are useful for Criminal Defense, First, Fourth and Sixth Constitutional Amendment Federal Civil Rights Lawsuits, Legal Dictionaries, and the Rules of Evidence for Washington State and the United States Federal Courts.
You can also send me hardcopies Wikipedia articles about such precedent-setting decisions as Miranda v. Arizona as well as the actual United States Supreme Court opinion PDFs.
If you do, it's best to include all the Concurring, Concurring in Part and Dissenting Opinions. Extra credit for transcripts of the Oral Arguments, which just about always are limited to but one hour for each side
Also I can use Washington State Supreme Court Opinions, as well as Ninth Circuit Federal Court of Appeals opinions, as the Ninth Circuit in San Francisco holds sway in Washington State.
If you mail me anything at all, check the Jail's Inmate Mail Rules on the Sheriff's website, or your letter is likely to be returned, as sye's was. I don't have a clue why her letter was returned; I was only told that it contained a "Foreign or Unrecognizable Object".
If you send me any letters, write or print them on just one side of each page, so I can use the other sides for writing paper. Writing paper is hard to come by in the slammer, with me working out the specification for a new software product only carefully torn-open, unfolded and smoothed bags of thin, smooth paper used to serve us our breakfast cereal, with my colleague to my left writing most of his briefs for his Civil Rights Lawsuit at the Federal Court in Seattle being mostly written on paper towels with a pencil that he must sharpen with his teeth.
It's not that jail inmates can't be trusted with pencil sharpeners,
as the F4 pod has a wall-mounted sharpener. It's just that the jail staff can't be bothered to install one in every pod.
Ode to Lady Satori,
For All of Her Beauty and Wit
When You Travel Portland,
Do As The Portlanders Do.
But Please Do Recall That
The Swinger Club Staff Members
Really Work Hard For Their Pay.
When You Travel To Portland,
Do As The Portlanders Do.
But Please Do Recall That
All Of The Exotic Dancers And
Portland Professionals
Really Work Hard For Their Pay.
When You Travel To Portland,
Do As The Portlanders Do.
But Please Do Recall That The
Gay Men's Bar Bartenders
Really Work Hard For Their Pay.
When You Travel To Portland,
Do As The Portlanders Do.
Recall That All Of Those
Exotic Young Ladies Work
Tremendously Hard For Their Pay.
When You Travel To Portland,
Sit R-i-g-h-t Up Front Whether
Corner or Center, But!
Do Not Forget To
Bring LOTS Of Money, 'Cause
You Must Not Forget To
TIP!
YOUR!
STRIPPER!
Ciao, Bella!
-- Michael David Crawfordswift@softwareproblem.net
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